Every time I sense a wave of grief entering my soul, I initially think “This is it. This will be the one that takes me out.”
But each time Jesus’s gracious and loving hands reach out to me through the deep waters and bring me to a safe place to land while I ride out the wave with Him.
Today is 9 years since I said, “I’ll meet you in eternity one day, Dad.” And in a few weeks, it will be 1 year since I said the same to my brother.
Losing my father broke my heart. And grieving his loss taught me Who my security should be anchored in.
Losing my brother crushed me in a way I still don’t have words to adequately describe. I wanted to take his place for him. Grieving his loss exposed a deeply tender space within me.
Loss breaks the illusionary facades that nothing broken can touch our lives and that we are in control. It illuminates how great the hope we have in Jesus truly is.
The pain is deep, stings, and I ACHE to embrace them and hear them say my name. And it’s not fair that my children don’t get to experience the love of their Grandad and Uncle. The truth is the brokenness of this world we wait in (for the return of Jesus) has touched our family.
But in the meantime, this pain draws me and my little family closer to Jesus. It has been the catalyst for my children to cultivate their relationship with Jesus from a very young age. And each layer of pain I walk through with Jesus transforms me to be more like Him. Which is the whole point. That is the beauty. God can take the deepest pain in our lives and redeem it. He helps us to breathe again.
Recently while waddling through a wave of grief the Holy Spirit whispered, “Your children are the EXACT provision your soul needs.”
Their joy. Their excitement when they see me. Their silliness. Their a million questions about life. This has been God’s provision to keep my heart soft and to keep my soul going through the last decade of life.
Embrace His provision in your pain. He has prepared a table with your name on it. Take a seat. You don’t have to call ahead. He knows when you’re arriving and has exactly what you need, my friend.